Saturday, January 12, 2008

What is Victoria's Secret?

Ok, first off, let me start with a warning...some of this may contain TMI for some people.

Now, onto the real story. The other day I innocently went out to get my mail and there, among my homeschool catalogs and BabyTalk magazines, and bills, is a catalog that does not fit-something like that old song they used to play on Sesame Street about "one of these things doesn't belong here..." and you had to figure out which one. Well, that one thing was glaringly obvious to me, it was Victoria's Secret's swimsuit issue.

Ok, so I admit that 10 years ago this catalog would've been of more interest to me than the other articles were. But not so much anymore. You see, sometime while I was sleeping my body parts have been replaced by someone else's. The new boobs are about 3 inches lower and not in the greatest condition. I wonder if it was Victoria that stole my original ones (maybe to use on her models). The old ones looked perker and firmer (hmmm, like those in the catalog) and the new ones look...well, used. I feel like the show Extreme Makeover shown in reverse.

Now, my biggest complaint is the tummy I was left with. I don't know who stole my somewhat flat smooth skinned belly and put in it's place this one that hangs in funny drape-like position with all these stripey marks in it, but that person was not a nice person. It hangs over any bathing suit I would wear, save for that Grandma one I saw with cone shaped "cups" and material that promises to shape you and form you into something resembling a figure. There is one benefit to this new tummy though. In the absence of any pets I now have something warm and soft that lays next to me when I lay on my side.

But the person or persons who did this dastardly deed did leave behind a few things that weren't there before. They left these pads on top of my hip bones. And that crease in my forehead that makes it look like I've been scowling for years on end?? (Do I???) and the gray hairs that keep sprouting out so boldly!?

Now, this catalog shows us what we are "supposed" to look like. We are supposed to have the shape of a young boy with perfectly tanned skin and balloons tucked neatly inside the skin on our chest. Our hair should look perfectly "mussed"-like we just rolled out of bed. Our lips are supposed to look bee stung and our eyes sleepily sultry sexy. My eyes look sleepy alright, but it's the dark circles under them that give me this look.

And what were the deisgners of these bathing suits (I use this term loosely as they could be called bathing "bits") thinking when they scooped the bottoms down sooooooo low in the front that nothing (and I mean nothing) would be left to the imagination? Now, maybe (maybe I said) if you just had to lay on the beach (or poolside) in the perfect pose (never bending over or slouching...) these would work. You could neatly arrange all your parts and pieces to be alluringly exposed (rather than disgustingly exposed)

And the real kicker...some of the same people that sell and market these articles of **ahem** clothing would have me to nurse my baby in the bathroom to avoid anyone seeing something they shouldn't see!?

For the record, I would not trade any of these new body parts for my old childless body. Those stripey marks on my tummy? Those are badges of courage! They show that I was brave enough to have my heart walk around outside of my body, lose sleep for the rest of my life and love someone more than I love my own life. The fact that it drapes reminds me that I have carried a 7 lb 12 oz baby girl, an 8 lb 14 oz boy, and an 8 lb 8 oz girl in there. The boobs that are so much lower? They have nourished my babies' bodies, nursed babies' hurts and served as pillows and handholds. All of these new imperfections remind me that I am blessed beyond belief!

I didn't figure anyone wanted pictures to go with this one...Pictures next time! ;)


Kendra plus 2 said...

Victoria's Secret is that she's really a man! I mean who else would think those bathing suits are practical, flattering, and normal eh?

Angie said...

I agree with Kendra, Victoria is definitely a man! I would take a body that has been full of life over a "model figure" any day! Be proud of that! (which I know you are) =)

Kristen said...

Cara, my friend, you made me laugh out loud :) DH actually looked at me funny ;) I never liked victoria secret even before I had a baby. Oh and now I am singing "one of these doesnt belong."

mainehappymama said...

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong......
LOL about the catalog Cara. Victoria should get back to us after giving birth, I bet the layout would be a bit different. BTW-I'd look that good with an airbrushing too!! LOL, well maybe not quite that good.

Tamara said...

I agree with everyone.....

Tina said...

You are soooo funny. You should write a book.

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