Positives and Negatives

I wonder why I had no qualms about saying how "done" I was having babies before I had Nathan. I was absolutely sure. No doubts. Then, there was that teensy, weensy chance I was pregnant (the first time ever without the aid of fertility drugs) and I let my mind go there. And I was okay with it. I was okay without it too because I had never imagined myself with 4 children and things were just barely starting to get a tiny easier with Haley around. So, I took a test. The day it was possible to test, I did. Just to move on. Just to get that thought out of my head so I could think about other things. Just so I wouldn't start to really think I was possibly pregnant, therefore getting my hopes up only to get the dreaded bfn.
Now, remember, before this possibility came up I did NOT WANT to be pregnant. But for most women (at least the ones in my circle) there will be that tiny moment of disappointment. The moment when you realize there won't be a tiny, wrinkled little person in your home. There won't be any booties and diapers. There won't be the first steps...before the relief sets in and you realize there won't be any cries in the middle of the night or diapers. (Yes, that one fits into both categories.)

Anyways, so, I went to CVS and left the kids in the car (yep, know I shouldn't do that, but they are old enough to know just what a pregnancy test is and remember, I wasn't going to be pregnant anyways) and got a test. Ugh. A test. I went home and as soon as I could shake all the kids loose I peed on the stick. And put it on the counter. NO need to watch it, right? When I picked it back up. Unh unh. No. Positive?





Now, I'm not one of those people that needs to take 10 tests to believe it. (First of all, those things are not cheap! Second, I don't find playing with pee to be fun.) So. I was pregnant. Again. Really?

As soon as it hit me I began to shake and laugh and yes, I was happy! I was going to have a baby! Another little one. A little red, wrinkly person that depends on us 100% for everything. A baby that will root out the breast in the wee early morning hours and be so content when s/he found it. Diapers. Booties!

I called my mom. "You're not going to believe this" were my words to her. Strangely, she knew!!!!??? Really?

Then, I told my hubby. At first he started to laugh it off, then he remembered a little April fools joke a few weeks before when I told him (after the joke) that if I ever said it again it would be true. To his credit, he handled it with grace. This unplanned, awesome thing in our life!

I think I got off track about what the true thought behind this blog was. I just had to scroll back up to see how I started.

Anyways, as you can tell, having Nathan-as unplanned as he was-was a positive experience. So many positive emotions-ranging from how my body actually did what it was "supposed" to do, without the aid of doctors! To getting this awesome surprise! I'd never had a baby before that I didn't have to plan every aspect of.

So, this is maybe why it's so hard to say, unequivocally, that I'm done. No more, Finito.