Saturday, May 8, 2010

Envy, Coveting and Guilt

So, I'm going to flat out admit it. I suffer from envy. Not necessarily in the way you might think (although I'm not ashamed to say I'd love to have a nicer, bigger house if the opportunity ever presents itself). I don't want my best friend's husband. What would I do with another husband anyway? I don't want their children. I have 4. That's enough thanks. I don't want lots of money. I know money doesn't buy happiness. But those things bring me to what I do want.
I look at other women (real life and blog world) and I want to be:

::Organized. Yep. I envy their organization. Their togetherness.

::Thin. Yes. I used to be. I know it's more funner. (yeah, I know. Not a word but who cares? I like it.)

::Patient. I want to see the fun and the blessings in the mundane and even in the hard times. Occasionally I do. But not enough.

::A good writer. Yes. I want to be witty. Funny. Inspiring.

::A better photographer. Not so I can make money. So I can take pictures that I'm proud of.

::Good at interior decorating. You'd have to see my house to realize just how much I'm not. Good at interior decorating.

::Good at exterior decorating. Again, you'd have to see my house-the outside of it-to know. Just how bad I am. I've lived in this house for 4 1/2 years. We own it. (Well, the part of it that the bank doesn't own) and the yard is a blank slate.

::Stylish. Nope. Not a thing for me I guess. I could say it's lack of funds to shop at the right places, etc, etc. But that would be an excuse. I could say it's because I"m not thin enough. That would be another excuse. There are plenty of women with less money and me. And they are stylish.

::Passionate. I feel sometimes like I'm just not passionate enough about any one thing. I guess kind of a "Jack of all trades. Master of none." Kind of thing. What is my passion? I homeschool. Is it a passion? I don't know really. I do it because my kids need me to and my God has led me to. I diet. Is it a passion? No. Or I wouldn't eat the garbage I eat too often. I exercise. No, not a passion either. A means to an end (see the 2nd thing I want to be-listed above). Godly. I think I am...sometimes...until I meet someone who is. Then I know I'm not. See what I'm talking about? I want these things, but I must not be passionate enough about them because otherwise I would make them happen. Right? Maybe this last one encompasses all of the above. If I had a passion for any one of these things I would find a way to make them happen. I'd organize the house and my schedule, lose the weight, take a class on writing, search, search search (the internet, stores, thrift stores...) until I found the deal of a lifetime on the style of a lifetime. For me and my house. But I don't do that stuff.

So, I guess I have the kind of envy that just might be the worst kind to have. I need to learn to be happy with who and what I am. I am me. God made me. My kids love me. And so does my husband. Yet...I still want to be all of those things.


Jules said...

Yup, I think we all go through phases like that. I know I do. Especially reading blogs--it's so easy to feel like every single woman out there is funnier, prettier, smarter, and more stylish than you. I had my husband take pictures of me today because I baked a cake and I thought it might be fun to share the recipe on the blog.

I should have emphasized that a picture of me where I don't look like I weigh 300 pounds would be fabulous. I wanted to toss the computer out the window. Yuck.

gina said...

I could have written that post myself - Item for item - each thing on your list I struggle with myself. How to not compare?? It is so hard. I know I'm happier when I stop comparing and feel gratitude for MY LIFE, right now. But it is so hard at times. I hear you loud and clear. The thing with all these things (especially blogs) are you don't have the full story. Or all the pictures. Do I ever post my bad fat day pictures? No. I didn't even post one pregnant picture -- that tells you something. You at least had the guts to just show us your glorious bigness!! I envy your courage and lack of vanity. The perfect home and decorating blogs - they MUST have a junk room. If not, they aren't normal anyway - or they don't have small children that are pulling on them every second of the day. Or if they do, they may be unbalanced in their time spending it all on the house and not enough on the kids. For me, there is barely enough energy to do the kids. Actually not enough for that. There is basically no time, energy etc. leftover for hobbies and classes. Maybe when they are a bit older it will be easier. I love your post - but have nothing that will help you feel better - except knowing others DO go through the same stuff.

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