Bittersweet....

Each time I go through the kids' rooms I clean out yet another "last" time thing... just recently I cleaned out the little pink hangers for the last time. *sniff*

I know, it seems so silly! But if the little hangers don't work anymore it means the clothes are getting more grown-up. And I've had little pink hangers in my house FOREVER.


And last night I pulled out what is most likely the last little seersucker dress. *double sniff*

It's so hard seeing all of this stuff that means "baby-ness" leaving the house. One day I'll look around and the toys and little shoes that I trip on now will be only a memory....and I'll wish it back.

I remember when it seemed all I did was nurse a baby. When I literally felt like a cross between a cow (if you're fat and you make milk....just sayin'...) and a human pacifier. I thought I'd never have my personal space back. Never be done wrangling a baby to calmly nurse and feeling like a spectacle while doing so...and you know what? I have my personal space often now. I can sit and have a conversation with a friend without her seeing parts of me she'd rather not see ;)...and now I'm jealous because my friends are the ones wrangling the nursing baby...

The sleepless nights don't seem so awful in retrospect. I mean, yeah, sleep is very necessary and I don't understand that moms need it so much and babies just don't. But, by the time I got to baby number 4 (who wasn't an awful sleeper I will say as a disclosure!) I tried to just treasure those quiet times in the night when it was just me and him. When you have older kids you rarely just sit and stare at the perfection that is your baby, so I took that opportunity to do that.

And I slept with him. On purpose! With Lindsay (poor first child!) I slept with her out of desperation. Jared had a hole in his heart and had to sleep on a specific side at a specific angle so I didn't sleep with him (he didn't want to anyways, he's ALWAYS preferred his personal space while sleeping-even now he usually chooses to sleep in a tent by himself while we sleep in the camper!), Haley...I just prayed for sleep...I'm not sure we ever really slept but I think if we did I must have slept with her...and with Nathan, my sweet little surprise, ok, not little...but he was a surprise...and sweet. I would tuck us in every night at bedtime and just relish the feel of him sleeping on my chest.

I didn't get as frustrated with Nathan...because by the 4th you really do realize for the most part that it's so fleeting (if your older kids are indeed older at that point...probably not if you've still got a toddler you're dealing with). With Lindsay, each stage we went through, I was just sure it would NEVER end. She didn't take well to solids so I was just sure she'd never eat and I'd nurse her through high school. She didn't sleep well and I just lamented the fact that I'd NEVER sleep again. And if babies are supposed to basically eat and sleep...and she didn't do those things...what was wrong with her anyways?

I won't tell new moms to treasure those moments while they're in them (they might slap me with a burp rag that smells like spit up) but realize that later...you will treasure them...