Monday, September 24, 2012

Weighed Down

I have this problem. I go back and forth between how I want to be thin and how much I love food. I am a foodie. Truly, madly, deeply love food. I love texture, taste, experience and especially texture (oh, did I already say that?).
Cereal, cake, steak, salad, pasta.....I love it! And Mexican food? I'll knock you over to get to it! (Ok, not really but you know what I mean)
But! After Haley was born I dropped my weight like *that* (snaps fingers). I was 12 pounds under my pre pregnancy weight when she was like 11 months old-and I had done NOTHING (other than nurse her around the clock because it lessened the crying in our house) to lose it. No killer workouts with Jillian Michaels. No crazy "diets". Just nursing and eating what I wanted.
Then! I had to start taking Zoloft (typically when I wind down on nursing some-when the baby starts to eat anything other than breast milk) I begin to experience some post partum depression. The only thing I can figure is the feel-good hormones of nursing delay it for me!? So, when she was around 10 months old or so I started feeling it. Depression. Rearing it's ugly head and changing who I am. Ick.
So, I started taking Zoloft (one of the only anti depressants you can take while breastfeeding). And I started gaining weight. By the time I got pregnant with Nathan I was back up about 30 pounds. That was just about a year later! Because I didn't plan to get pregnant again I was kind of lackadaisical about my weight gain. Kind of a "eh, I'll lose it tomorrow" thing. So, a few days before I found out I was pregnant I ordered some workout dvds (new ones) and got ready to start losing again (I was off Zoloft at this point and on something a little less fat-friendly).
But, then I got my bfp (that stands for "big fat positive") on a hpt (that stands for "home pregnancy test"). And I put that aside to work at a healthy baby. (Those dvds came the day after the bfp on the hpt).
Fast forward another 2 1/2-almost 3!-years after Nathan's birth....that pregnancy did something big and fat to my figure but nothing positive. So, there I was....way overweight from anything I've ever been before. And fighting to lose it.
It has taken me a year to lose 21 pounds. I could totally do it faster. Except I LOVE food. And I LOVE eating out.
I fight with myself daily about this. The good thing? Because I'm doing it with some, ahem, good eats involved in it....I won't gain it back because this is sustainable! I know, for me, low carb or anything extremely restrictive is not sustainable. It just makes me angry to have a list of foods I "can't" have.

By the way, I will work out with the best of them. I don't really mind that part of it all...if you could lose all the weight that way I'd be a toothpick!

So, the battle wages on. Apple and salad with no dressing or spaghetti and a salad with dressing and a piece of bread!? Hmm. No contest.

1 comment:

squirrelgirl said...

21 lbs is not too shabby! Keep up the good work, and don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself - you're only here once so you might as well eat good food :-)

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