Have you ever just been so burned out that you have nothing left? I am there right now. I keep wanting to blog but nothing will come. No words. No thoughts that run together to make any coherent sense. Unless it's negative. And I just don't want to be that person. That negative person.
I know the things I need to be doing. I need to play with my kids and take them to do the things that make childhood fun and magical (not huge things, just the little things. The things they will remember for a lifetime-games and baking and stuff.) But I lack the energy to do any of it right now. I seem to spend most of the time waiting for naptime to get here. And I take a nap while the baby naps. I assuage my guilt by telling myself that the big kids are getting a little bit of freedom during this time (because I give them an assignment for school and then they are free to read or play quietly) and Haley is okay, her brother and sister are making sure she is.
I should be taking them to the park. For a walk in a natural area. To the library. And none of it seems worth the effort.
I find no joy in any of it right now. And I know they know this. That they sense my lack of happiness and joy in life. And, as most children do, they probably take on the responsibility for it. For my unhappiness.
I know that the days of their childhood are passing so quickly that they will be grown in a flash. All of this I know. But it doesn't make it any easier to do what I need to do.
I feel so used up and burned out. Like there's not enough. Not enough of me for everyone.
So, that's where I've been.