Thursday, December 2, 2010

Happy Birthday Nathan

It's my baby's birthday today. He's turning one. And I'm not a happy camper about this. I know. I know. I should count my blessings one by one. And realize how blessed I am to even have experienced this once, let alone four times now. There were times I never thought I'd be a momma. And that was always what I wanted most in life. We struggled for 4 1/2 years with trying to have a baby. And then lost the first one to miscarriage. I was just sure that was my "one chance" and I'd done something to ruin it. Six months later we learned we were expecting Lindsay (almost 11 now). Then, two years after that...Jared was on the way (almost 9)!! Then, there was another battle...well, sort of. I really wanted needed another baby. But Harold did NOT. Now what? I knew better than to push for it. I knew he needed to want it too. Otherwise we would build resentment in an otherwise pretty darn good marriage. So, I waited. And I prayed. And waited. And occasionally broke down and cried-not tears of manipulation, but tears of true heartbreak and sadness. And just when I was giving up hope...he came to me with all of the right reasons why he wanted to try one more time!!!! (I seriously hit him because I thought he was joking with me--that would not have been a funny joke.) Shortly thereafter we got the news that we were expecting our 3rd baby! Years came off of my life during that pregnancy. I'll tell you that. I had some complications that sent me scurrying to the ER once and to the doctor several more times (where ultrasounds proved her to be okay). Now I know why. She's a spitfire. Determined to give me as many gray hairs as possible. (She's almost 4 by the way!)
After Haley, we were sure. We were done. That was it. And we told God that too. Thankfully, He didn't listen. Long story April of 2009 I found out I was pregnant once again-our first ever surprise pregnancy. I was instantly happy. There was not a moment that I felt like it wasn't meant to be-even through the miseries of pregnancy (and I had a few). Amazing how God opened up that place in my heart for my little guy. My Boo. My little man that I canNOT imagine life without. The one we didn't know we wanted.
I'm reliving all of it right now because he's going to be 1 in less than 12 hours. I've never. Not once. Felt this sad about one of my babies turning one. I guess that means I truly believe in my heart of hearts that this is it. He's the last one for us.
It's been a great year...full of fun and frustrations (in case you're wondering...four is a lot more kids than three!). He's a great "little" guy.
And I can't imagine if we'd had our way and been "done" before him. I can never again say I'm done. That's up to God, in all His infinite wisdom.
He's walking-running when he has something he knows you want to get from him. He laughs. He says dog and ball. He smacks his lips when he wants to eat what you have. Tonight he made a sound like "yuck" or "blech" when he looked at the food he had decided he didn't like. HIlarious. (Yeah, I know, I won't like that when he's older, but for now? It's funny!) He loves his hammer (and uses it on us sometimes) and makes "vroom vroom" sounds when playing with cars and trucks. He loves to pull the light bulb out of his sister's nightlight. He claps, climbs, signs some words. Oh yeah, and he's captured the hearts of our entire family. My little blue-eyed, blonde haired Boo. When I nurse him right now I try to enjoy the feeling that nursing your little one gives you-the feeling that all is right in the world. Because most likely, I will never experience that feeling again.

Some pictures for you to enjoy:


Sunnysideup said...

Your post had me reaching for the tissues. Happy Birthday to your little guy! He is such a cutie!!

Jules said...

Aww, I agree with Sunnysideup about the tissues. Birthdays for me are so hard. Nicholas turns 4 in just a few short months with Haley, and I'm utterly depressed about it.

Jenn said...

I know EXACTLY what you are saying. I have had a hard time with my daughter because my husband does not want any more, but I do.

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